surgery is NOT cheating!

who made the rules of losing weight? as far as i know no one did. so why would ppl tell me (or say behind my back) that weight loss surgery is cheating. you still have to have will power, a ton of testing...hell right now i am consuming 900 cals in optifast a day for 3 weeks. i have not once cheated on this part of the diet. that is HARD and it takes will power. not everyone could handle this! now i dont expect ppl to understand why i am doing it this way...but i am and thats all that matters. i have worked hard this last year doing tests, waiting, blood work, cutting out caffeine and pop remembering to take vitamins. i just need a smaller stomach so i am not soo hungry all the time! its much easier to stick to healthy eating and portion controls if you arnt starving all the time. I am going to do this right, and i am going to rock it. I will be a healthy weight....anyone who says its cheating i believe they are jealous, or ignorant. weight loss isnt a game...its a lifestyle change.

weekly measuring results!

one minor change is i went from measuring with a tight tank on to measuring in just a bra and pants. but even keeping that in mind i am thrilled. waist down 5" hips down 4.5" chest down 12" wooo hooo!

14 lbs lost!

day 11 of the optifast diet, and i was weighed today...lost 14 lbs so far. plus i am on my period, so maybe more i dont know. we'll see on the 29th when i go for my pre op appoinment. but at least i am losing something! i was hoping for more....but more then 1 lb a day...that should make anyone happy. i can do this!!!

Tough Times

I knew going into this it wouldnt be easy. I went from eating a lot of fast food, junkfood, and even healthy meals i would eat a lot of and i would still feel hungry. so going from eating a lot to next to nothing is hard. i am hungry...very. yesterday i was very bummed. I made the kids my fav chicken fingers for supper and it took everything in me not to grab one. even if no one knew, i would know...the guilt would eat me alive, plus i would feel like i have let all my supporters down. besides 1 small cheat, even if i didnt affect my suregery (but it might?) would most likly lead to more cheating. so i stuck it out. I am strong, i can do this! I need to do this. and with all my friends and some of my family sticking by my side i know i can accomplish everything. besides, the thought of what i will be able to do once i lose most of the weight also keeps me going. Last night i watch extreme weightloss, where a 26 year old mother weighed over 300 lbs at 5'2". she was a lot like me...not able to play with her son, not able to do the things she wanted to do. but she got help, and he husband stuck by her side and lost a lot of weight too....just like brant is doing with me. (although yes he is eating right now...but making healthier choices for the most part) i know with his support i can do anything. the story was very similar to my own. and to see what she could do in 1 year gave me hope. i know I will have hard days, but with friends and family and espeically brant i can do anything i set my mind to.

rewards!

here is my reward chart...may change. 50 lbs lost-the small bookshelf i want 75 lbs- vinyl quote thingy 100 lbs- hair done 150lbs-the night stands i want 175lbs-duvet cover 200lbs- the new dresser i want if i lose more, which i would like to, i will add on later.

one day soon I will be able to....

as i start to lose wieght my life will greatly improve. here are some things I WILL be able to do again.....in no particular order... -swim -run 5 k - go on roller coaster rides with my kids -clean the kitchen -shower with no pain -buy a bra that fits! -be a size 16! (currently a 34) -see my feet -enjoy sex -walk the kids to the park or pool, and play with them -pick things up off the floor easier -shave my legs -cut my toenails -do laundry -feel good about myself -no longer be pre diabetic -be able to weigh myself on the home scale -drive -be comfortable when i sleep -lose the sleep apnea and therefore the awful c pap machine -no longer be afraid to see people or go to social events -have family pics done -no longer be ruled and consumed by food -sit in a chair without fear of breaking it -wear cool jeans -be envied instead of pitied -renew my wedding vows (in 5 years)

confessions of a super morbidly obese women.....

so ppl wonder why i am going suregery route...especilaly cuz the first time on ww i lost 96lbs. well i was unable to stick to ww due to the fact that i was ALWAYS hungry. no matter how much i ate i was still hungry. surgery is suppose to help with that. plus i need the help to not even touch bad food, moderation doesnt really work for me....i always go overboard. also you lose it quicker, i need to lose it quickly. because there is a lot of things in life i cant do anymore. so here are my confessions. please dont judge. -I weigh 500 lbs -my bmi is 74 (obese is 30 and higher) - since stopping weight watchers, about 4 years ago, i have gained about 220 lbs. -i can no longer drive, i dont fit in the seat -i break chairs -i cant fit if in one if it has arms -i cannot stand for more then 1 min without my legs bucklig and my back spasming. -i had to quit my job partly because i couldnt stand (partially for mental health reasons) - i get winded walking anywhere -i am in the largest size at penningtons...and some of them dont even fit -i couldnt find a bathing suit that would fit so i have only been able to watch my kids swim instead of joining them. - i despise leaving the house, i feel like everyone is judging me and staring at me all the time so i avoid social functions as much as possible. - i get severe leg and feet cramps - i have to sit down at the stove to cook anything as i cannot stand. -i hate my body and myself for letting it get this bad. so those are my reasons that i need to do something drastic and need to do it now! unless you have lived this big with these issues you might not get it, but judgement is not what i need...i need support to become healthy. thank you.

Day 1 of the optifast diet

omg. those drink are the grossest thing i have ever drank!!!! i am trying different ways to do them, so far its all i can do to not throw them up. colder is "better" but still ewwww. I just keep telling myself I am strong, I can do this! i sound like the little engine that could lol! i do have hunger pains, but really i am more concerend about getting these shakes down. i would rather eat nothing at all lol. i have some sugar free jello i am going to make and some broth for dinner. looking forward to those! vegetables will have to wait till pay day. so another lesson i have learned buy vitamins at costco! the prenatal vitamins i have to take are $25 at shoppers for 100, and only $8.99 for 300 at costco!!! huge difference. right now my meds schedule looks like... morning i take the calcium, 2 pills. 2 hours later i take the prenatal night time i take my bipolar meds, vitamin D..2 pills, calcium..2pills and Iron. btw some of these pills are HUGE and hard to swallow. but at least i am not forgetting to take them!

I have a date!!!

So they called yesterday while i was in toronto, called them back at 4 but it was too late. couldnt wait to hear what they wanted so i called back again this am. they had called to ask me if i had signed consent or not. because i was suppose to of but they couldnt find it anywhere. i said yes i did and even told her the date i did (its when you meet the surgeon) so i was a bit bummed since i thought they were calling to give me my surgery date. while like half an hour later she calls back saying they found my consent and they can book my surgery. So she put me on hold for a few minutes then gave me my date. September 4th!!!!!!!!!!!! omg. i have to do the optifast diet for 3 weeks prior to my surgery. which is this powder stuff that you have to buy (almost 300 for 3 weeks worth) and you mix it with water (and you can add crystal light, or decafe coffee with it too...apparently to try and make it taste better) so we rushed up to hamilton tonight to buy the stuff...well 2 cases...the rest i will pick up on pay day. thanks to my lovely family we were able to swing 2 cases untill thursday when we get paid. I also have to have 8 glasses of water a day....counting the 4 packs of optifast, i can also have broth thats less then 20 cals a serving, and sugar free jello. i can also eat 2 cups a day of vegetable....but only specific veggies. I have a small list. anyways so i start this diet this monday!!!! thats going to be hard..i am sure i am going to be starving, also i still have to cook for the kids and brant. lol. torture. i go for a class on how to eat after the surgery on august 29th at 1:30pm in hamilton, and they said they would try and book my preadmit for that morning so we dont have to make seperate trips. then 2 days before the surgery i can only have clear fluids. and then i have suregery at 9 am (be there for 6 am) it seems like i have been waiting for forever (1 year since my doc referred me) i have done a lot of work and changes to get this in that year. but now it seems like its happening sooo fast. but i am excited!!! i will need support though so except lots of blogging for the next little while. lol.

psychologist no more....

at least untill 3 months after my surgery! she is not concerned about my stability, is impressed with my willingless to change and to do the things asked of (dropping caffeine, cutting back pop intake, journaling, etc...) that we always show up to appointments...and shes also impressed that brant (my husband) is always there with me and even cutting out his caffeine etc... shows i have good supports. so she decided unless i feel the need i dont need to see her before my surgery. when asked the receptionist when i would get a surgery date she said within the next couple weeks. even better she said is i might get in end of septemeber!!!!!! yay!! i am so excited, its finally starting to happen. i'll be even more excited when i actually get a surgery date...but for now this will do!